In a recent post I mentioned that I had rejoined Weight Watchers online. I tried to stick with it, I really did. But I didn't. Two weeks ago tomorrow, I rejoined Weight Watchers meetings. And I've stuck with it. Tomorrow is my two week weigh in and I'm excited!! I missed the first weigh in because I had to work, but I will not miss it tomorrow.
These last two weeks haven't been easy, but they haven't been difficult either, or at least as difficult as it had been prior to that. I have been staying on program, counting points, and actually feeling satisfied.
I truly believe that avoiding sugar plays a key role in my success. In the weeks leading up to November 2nd, I was eating a lot of sugar. Candy bars and Starbucks scones and drinks was where it came from mainly. Since November 2nd I have had very little in the way of sugar. I haven't even been eating my beloved Chobani which has natural fruit sugar only. I have been eating fresh fruit, but my cravings for all things bad for me has decreased significantly. That's not to say I'm going to be cutting out sugar completely forever, but for right now until I get my head back on straight, I think it's best to avoid it. I do believe that eating fruit is okay and other things that have some sugars occuring naturally, but I am avoiding added sugars as much as I can.
So what have I been eating? Well, that's changed too. I have switched from my usual an English muffin with peanut butter and banana to oatmeal with peanut butter and banana, or 2 hard boiled eggs. I have been eating a lot of salad with chicken and sometimes a little cheese. Eggs, string cheese, apples, clementines and healthy soups with lots of veggies: these are what's on the menu.
I have given myself a break on the exercise, a break from worrying about it at the moment. But since things have been going well for a couple weeks, I need to think about adding some activity. I'll get there.
So tomorrow, I will weigh in and will hopefully post an update on the weight loss front. I'm sure that I will becauseI can feel the difference in my clothes. In fact, I had to actually use a binder clip to keep my pants up by connecting them to my tank top when I walked over to the store at lunch! Guess, it's time to bring out the belt. I don't have any idea what the number will be, though, because I've put away my home scale for now. No good comes of weighing each day right now so I'm avoiding that.
Anyway, if you've stuck with me through this journey, I am grateful. I'm here to tell you that right now I'm feeling good. My head feel clearer, the sadness is lifting, and I'm looking forward to the holidays. February and March are very difficult months for me usually so I'm hoping to get into good routines before then so that feeling good physically will help me feel good mentally.
Cheers!
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anxiety. Show all posts
Thursday, November 15, 2012
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
A Last Ditch Effort
Here I sit before you back in Twoterville. 200.8 lbs this morning. Remember this post? I certainly do.
But I can't go back, I can only go forward so here I am laying it all out there AGAIN. I have updated the badge on this blog to show pounds to goal instead of pounds lost. That's the number I need to focus on.
I'm moving forward from today. Is today different? Is today the day that everything comes together for me? I don't know. It feels like a good day, I feel motivated to begin. But I know I have felt this way before. Only time will tell.
I still cannot decide to make the break from Weight Watchers. I don't know why. It's like a crutch or something. And then there's that desire I have to be a featured success story, or at least apply! If I cancel my membership, am I cancelling that dream? It's not as if that dream is giving me a whole lot of motivation these days so cancelling shouldn't make too much of a difference. I guess it's just the idea of it. I seem to have the inability to make a decision on this subject. Ugh!
I have a funeral to go to in the coming days, and my cousin is getting married next month. I, of course, have nothing to wear. Do I buy something that will serve both purposes, or do I buy two things. Do I buy something for the funeral now, and wait until closer to the wedding to buy the outfit for that? Like maybe I'll be thinner then...
In other news, my hair is falling out! Not in clumps, but I'm definitely shedding way more than I used to and I can see my scalp way more than I could before. Even my hairdresser noticed! I went to the doctor to rule out any deficiencies or thyroid issues and all is well. Of course, I want to be healthy, but I want an answer to this hair loss. The only other explanation is stress. My doctor said that hair loss in relation to a stressful even usually occurs 3-6 months after the event. Well, this shedding has been going on for awhile now, probably 3 months. So all timelines point to the fact that it could be related to the stress of my husband returning to work, my returning to the bad place, and also switching up medications that I have taken for years. I have since quit taking one (about 4 weeks ago) that "could" attribute to the issue. Nothing is really concrete in that regard. What is certain is that I'm freaking out!! My hair is the one constant in my life. My weight can go up and down, but my hair has always been my best feature. At my heaviest weight ever, I still received compliments on my hair. And now it's falling out! So that's just something else to stress about! It could also be the major dietary change I've made over the last 9 or so months. Less nutrion, way more junk.
So, today, for the sake of my hair, I'm making another last ditch effort to get back on track. (I don't know if it's "last ditch" if you keep doing it over and over, though.) I know that if I was running and eating better, I would feel better. That would descrease my stress level. We have settled into being a two-working-parent family again, and while I still stress a bit over child care, it's not like it was 6-9 months ago. School is starting soon, but I'm trying to remain calm and worry free about that. I just want to focus on me right now. There are three weeks left of summer! That's hardly any time at all. My son is away at camp this week so these first couple days of cutting out the junk should be easier when I only have to worry about me (my husband doesn't get dinner when my son is gone, LOL.) So that's the plan.
I'm also making a last ditch effort with this blog. My URL renewal is in October so I need to decide if I still want towhine blog about my weight issues for all the public (okay, very few public) to read about. I haven't been very active in reading other blogs even though I know I find lots of inspiration from others. So perhaps if I get back to doing the things I know how to do, and know are good for me, I can get back to inspiring others too. My story can be about someone who was sick of being obese, lost 85 lbs and became a runner, gained 49 lbs and became a couch potato, and then lost 55 lbs all the while becoming a runner again.
I hope it's more than just a story. I hope it's my life. My health matters.
But I can't go back, I can only go forward so here I am laying it all out there AGAIN. I have updated the badge on this blog to show pounds to goal instead of pounds lost. That's the number I need to focus on.
I'm moving forward from today. Is today different? Is today the day that everything comes together for me? I don't know. It feels like a good day, I feel motivated to begin. But I know I have felt this way before. Only time will tell.
I still cannot decide to make the break from Weight Watchers. I don't know why. It's like a crutch or something. And then there's that desire I have to be a featured success story, or at least apply! If I cancel my membership, am I cancelling that dream? It's not as if that dream is giving me a whole lot of motivation these days so cancelling shouldn't make too much of a difference. I guess it's just the idea of it. I seem to have the inability to make a decision on this subject. Ugh!
I have a funeral to go to in the coming days, and my cousin is getting married next month. I, of course, have nothing to wear. Do I buy something that will serve both purposes, or do I buy two things. Do I buy something for the funeral now, and wait until closer to the wedding to buy the outfit for that? Like maybe I'll be thinner then...
In other news, my hair is falling out! Not in clumps, but I'm definitely shedding way more than I used to and I can see my scalp way more than I could before. Even my hairdresser noticed! I went to the doctor to rule out any deficiencies or thyroid issues and all is well. Of course, I want to be healthy, but I want an answer to this hair loss. The only other explanation is stress. My doctor said that hair loss in relation to a stressful even usually occurs 3-6 months after the event. Well, this shedding has been going on for awhile now, probably 3 months. So all timelines point to the fact that it could be related to the stress of my husband returning to work, my returning to the bad place, and also switching up medications that I have taken for years. I have since quit taking one (about 4 weeks ago) that "could" attribute to the issue. Nothing is really concrete in that regard. What is certain is that I'm freaking out!! My hair is the one constant in my life. My weight can go up and down, but my hair has always been my best feature. At my heaviest weight ever, I still received compliments on my hair. And now it's falling out! So that's just something else to stress about! It could also be the major dietary change I've made over the last 9 or so months. Less nutrion, way more junk.
So, today, for the sake of my hair, I'm making another last ditch effort to get back on track. (I don't know if it's "last ditch" if you keep doing it over and over, though.) I know that if I was running and eating better, I would feel better. That would descrease my stress level. We have settled into being a two-working-parent family again, and while I still stress a bit over child care, it's not like it was 6-9 months ago. School is starting soon, but I'm trying to remain calm and worry free about that. I just want to focus on me right now. There are three weeks left of summer! That's hardly any time at all. My son is away at camp this week so these first couple days of cutting out the junk should be easier when I only have to worry about me (my husband doesn't get dinner when my son is gone, LOL.) So that's the plan.
I'm also making a last ditch effort with this blog. My URL renewal is in October so I need to decide if I still want to
I hope it's more than just a story. I hope it's my life. My health matters.
Monday, April 2, 2012
A Shift in the Darkness
Hellooooooo, anyone out there?
I am still here and still alive. What's more is that I am finally feeling like I can move forward.
I feel like I have lost time. I have been struggling for months and months, living in the bad place, shrouded in darkness. I have been trying to get help by visiting my doctor (who I now think is a quack) pretty regularly since last fall. In all this time I have been freaking out, feeling terrible about the here and now, about the future, and pretty much everything in general. Getting out of bed in the morning has been a chore.
I had completely relapsed into clinical depression with a heaping helping of anxiety to go along with it. I was very scared. If you've not experienced it, you are very lucky. If you do not understand it, I get that. I have it and I don't understand it. If you don't believe in it, well, you can just get the f--- out! It's real. It's not a choice, it's not something you can just turn off, you don't just "snap out of it!" It is debilitating, and it is a medical condition.
So...after what feels like forever, I am happy to report that the darkness has shifted and I can finally see some light. I still have work to do and I still don't feel like myself completely, but for the first time in months, I think I might be headed towards remission.
In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how not to blame the quack doctor for the damage he's done. Well, I can blame him, I just don't want to get too fixated on it. He could have helped me months ago, but instead I've been suffering and falling deeper into the darkness. Finally, I made a choice to switch providers and all she had to do was give me a new prescription. We haven't even tried counseling of any kind as she said it would be pointless in my current state. She wanted to stabilize my mood at least, or better yet, lift it. And it's like a miracle. Just under 3 weeks later, I feel some relief. I can only assume that as time goes by, it will only get better, especially now that I have someone looking out for me.
As I said, I feel like I've lost time, precious time in my health journey. I've been trying to cope with the issues while feeling miserable. In the past, coping has meant eating. I thought all that was behind me, but clearly it was just on the shelf. Because as soon as the depression started, I started eating. While the aftermath of binging is never good, the time spent doing it does offer relief. So I kept doing it. And now I have to learn again how to stop this habit. Medication only helps so much and as time goes by, I'll have to recover on many levels and learn to stop using food for comfort.
I also have lots of work to do in the running department. While I have logged a few runs here and there, my confidence is gone. I feel as though I am starting over, not just physically, but also mentally. Running is awesome for the mind, but getting out there and getting it done...well, baby steps... I am considering the Couch to 5K program again, maybe an accelerated version. It's too soon to figure that out, though.
I am trying not to beat myself up and recognize some things have been beyond my control. I no more think I could have avoided a relapse than I think I can walk on the moon. It won't help anything to berate myself on a daily basis for the slide back into old habits. I can only go forward. I have posted before about moving forward and getting back on track, but as I look back, I know it was impossible that I could have gotten back on track. I did have some good days, some "on plan" days, but it was too easy to give up. When everything feels hopeless, healthy eating and exercise feels unreachable and even useless.
So the point of this post is to get a few things out there, let you know where I've been, and let you know where I hope I am going. I also want to tell anyone who may be suffering from depression and anxiety to get help immediately. And if you are getting help, but aren't being helped, find someone else to help you. There is no need to suffer; you're only losing time.
Talk soon.
I am still here and still alive. What's more is that I am finally feeling like I can move forward.
I feel like I have lost time. I have been struggling for months and months, living in the bad place, shrouded in darkness. I have been trying to get help by visiting my doctor (who I now think is a quack) pretty regularly since last fall. In all this time I have been freaking out, feeling terrible about the here and now, about the future, and pretty much everything in general. Getting out of bed in the morning has been a chore.
I had completely relapsed into clinical depression with a heaping helping of anxiety to go along with it. I was very scared. If you've not experienced it, you are very lucky. If you do not understand it, I get that. I have it and I don't understand it. If you don't believe in it, well, you can just get the f--- out! It's real. It's not a choice, it's not something you can just turn off, you don't just "snap out of it!" It is debilitating, and it is a medical condition.
So...after what feels like forever, I am happy to report that the darkness has shifted and I can finally see some light. I still have work to do and I still don't feel like myself completely, but for the first time in months, I think I might be headed towards remission.
In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how not to blame the quack doctor for the damage he's done. Well, I can blame him, I just don't want to get too fixated on it. He could have helped me months ago, but instead I've been suffering and falling deeper into the darkness. Finally, I made a choice to switch providers and all she had to do was give me a new prescription. We haven't even tried counseling of any kind as she said it would be pointless in my current state. She wanted to stabilize my mood at least, or better yet, lift it. And it's like a miracle. Just under 3 weeks later, I feel some relief. I can only assume that as time goes by, it will only get better, especially now that I have someone looking out for me.
As I said, I feel like I've lost time, precious time in my health journey. I've been trying to cope with the issues while feeling miserable. In the past, coping has meant eating. I thought all that was behind me, but clearly it was just on the shelf. Because as soon as the depression started, I started eating. While the aftermath of binging is never good, the time spent doing it does offer relief. So I kept doing it. And now I have to learn again how to stop this habit. Medication only helps so much and as time goes by, I'll have to recover on many levels and learn to stop using food for comfort.
I also have lots of work to do in the running department. While I have logged a few runs here and there, my confidence is gone. I feel as though I am starting over, not just physically, but also mentally. Running is awesome for the mind, but getting out there and getting it done...well, baby steps... I am considering the Couch to 5K program again, maybe an accelerated version. It's too soon to figure that out, though.
I am trying not to beat myself up and recognize some things have been beyond my control. I no more think I could have avoided a relapse than I think I can walk on the moon. It won't help anything to berate myself on a daily basis for the slide back into old habits. I can only go forward. I have posted before about moving forward and getting back on track, but as I look back, I know it was impossible that I could have gotten back on track. I did have some good days, some "on plan" days, but it was too easy to give up. When everything feels hopeless, healthy eating and exercise feels unreachable and even useless.
So the point of this post is to get a few things out there, let you know where I've been, and let you know where I hope I am going. I also want to tell anyone who may be suffering from depression and anxiety to get help immediately. And if you are getting help, but aren't being helped, find someone else to help you. There is no need to suffer; you're only losing time.
Talk soon.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Down, but not out.
This post is indeed from 3/1/12. I did not publish it because I wanted there to be a true change before I posted all my troubles. Stay tuned for an update (4/2/12)...
If you've read my About Me page or followed me for awhile, you know that I struggle with anxiety and depression. Well...greetings from the bad place, where we gain weight and quit running! :-(
I've been working at getting my head on straight, unfortunately I'm struggling. I have gained weight, I haven't run hardly at all, and I certainly haven't done any other activity. I make a lot of plans and then I don't follow through. All that just adds to the other things I'm dealing with and needless to say it's certainly not helping. My mind needs the exercise yet I cannot seem to make my body get up and do it. But you know what, THIS is my happy place, not an extension of the bad place! I came here to drop a line and let you know where I'm at, but I don't plan to stick around and whine. I don't want this blog tainted by all that. Plus, it's a personal struggle that I don't feel like making public on this blog. Maybe when I feel well again I will go into more detail.
For now, you can count me down, but not out.
On that note, tonight I went to Weight Watchers. I actually went about a month ago and had a really good week right after that, but then it all went to crap again. Tonight I weighed in at 185.8. Yes, that is over 30 pounds higher than my lowest weight last year. That is 40 pounds from my goal of 145. Will this be the day where I start making strides? I hope so. I feel really good about it, but only time will tell.
Also this weekend, I did finally get in some exercise. Friday I ran 3.1 on the treadmill, Saturday I walked for 35 minutes, and Sunday I ran 3.1 outside for the first time since November 8! It was hard and I almost quit, but I did it!
All forward motion counts.
If you've read my About Me page or followed me for awhile, you know that I struggle with anxiety and depression. Well...greetings from the bad place, where we gain weight and quit running! :-(
I've been working at getting my head on straight, unfortunately I'm struggling. I have gained weight, I haven't run hardly at all, and I certainly haven't done any other activity. I make a lot of plans and then I don't follow through. All that just adds to the other things I'm dealing with and needless to say it's certainly not helping. My mind needs the exercise yet I cannot seem to make my body get up and do it. But you know what, THIS is my happy place, not an extension of the bad place! I came here to drop a line and let you know where I'm at, but I don't plan to stick around and whine. I don't want this blog tainted by all that. Plus, it's a personal struggle that I don't feel like making public on this blog. Maybe when I feel well again I will go into more detail.
For now, you can count me down, but not out.
On that note, tonight I went to Weight Watchers. I actually went about a month ago and had a really good week right after that, but then it all went to crap again. Tonight I weighed in at 185.8. Yes, that is over 30 pounds higher than my lowest weight last year. That is 40 pounds from my goal of 145. Will this be the day where I start making strides? I hope so. I feel really good about it, but only time will tell.
Also this weekend, I did finally get in some exercise. Friday I ran 3.1 on the treadmill, Saturday I walked for 35 minutes, and Sunday I ran 3.1 outside for the first time since November 8! It was hard and I almost quit, but I did it!
All forward motion counts.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Welcome 2012
So, I'm back! The past couple of months have flown by for me. Let me catch you up. Since I last left you I have been running very little and gaining very much weight. And that is very, very scary!
I am currently 20 pounds heavier than my lowest recorded weight! Yes, you read that right! Crap!
Unfortunately, I am one of those people who is effected a lot by the winter blues and unfortunately this year it started for me much earlier. I'm trying to get out of the funk, but for some reason I'm still stuck. I tell myself to just get on the treadmill or even go out for a walk, but I can't bring myself to do it. And the more I don't run, the more pounds creep on, and the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the worse I eat, the more tired I am, the less I want to run. It's a viscious cycle, of course.
It's not just the weather, it's a few things at home too. I'm really happy that my husband is working, but I have not found the balance yet. It's been hard for me to not have him at home to take care of our child, it's hard for me to have my child attend the after school program. I also have to find time to go shopping and do laundry and anything else that needs doing. It's not that my husband isn't helping out now, he is, but more things are falling on me to take care of too. This transition has just been a lot harder than I was expecting. There's also a little bit of the worry that it will all fall apart too, that he'll get laid off or lose his job for whatever reason and then we'll be back to the worry and turmoil of not having enough money to live. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to think like that, life is meant to be lived, not worried about (PFG Jen said that the other day and I loved it), but as a chronic worrier, it's a hard thing. It just is. Our schedule is also different too. He has to be to work from 8 to 5 whereas I have more flexibility. Getting our child to and from school falls on me now and than changes my schedule quite a bit. My husband is also more tired now and wants to go to bed way early, or is falling asleep on the couch. I'm just not used to this. I'm sure as time goes by I'll adapt, but for now, it's hard.
I'm also worried about my cat and the fact that he is now worth over $2,000, but refuses to eat. It was a combination of vet bills ending with a surgery over the weekend to remove a Nerf dart tip from his small intestine (yes, you can laugh). Basically he nearly died, and while right now I'm thinking maybe I should have let him go, I know that I have to try my hardest to get him to eat so that doesn't happen. I chose to spend the money to save him and now I have to see that he remembers how to eat in order to stay alive. But it's making me stressed. You can bet I am thankful he's alive, and you can be assured I'm also glad it's just my cat and not my son who is sick, but I still worry. Worry about having spent all this money, worry about having had to skimp on other things (like birthday presents for my husband) in order to keep him alive. Was it the right thing? I guess I don't even need to ask why since what's done is done. But as I was force feeding him pureed chicken earlier this even, I was really questioning myself. And I'm praying very hard for him.
Do I have the answer? No! If you'd have told me six months ago this is where I'd be today, I'd have said you were crazy and laughed. But, here I be.
I did get on the treadmill yesterday (2 miles) and I did have a very good day of eating so I call that a win. I tracked all my points too. Today was my husband's birthday and we went out to dinner where I endulged in the macaroni and cheese at Red Robin. It was tasty! But that, combined with the pita chips I ate before we left, really dug into my weekly points allowance. Not a great day for the 2nd day on plan.
I'm not trying to have resolutions because they don't work, I'm just trying to get back on track. Long about Thanksgiving I basically decided to focus on geting my mind healthy to get through the holidays. After the new year, I would try to focus more on my physical health as well as the mental aspect. Of course it's all related. The worse I feel physically, the worse I feel mentally, and I don't work out and I eat poorly. And then I feel worse. And the self loathing begins and that never leads to good things...and wait, didn't I already go over this above?
Well, anyway, I don't have the answers and I don't think I'm in a good place to make life changes at this time, but you know what? When will I be? The more time that's passed, the worse I feel, so why not today? Each day is a new day. I had a great day yesterday and a not so great day today, but who says I can't have an even better day tomorrow? Walk the walk and maybe soon I'll talk the talk? I don't know, let's leave the cliches to the experts.
I have no resolutions, but I do have goals. My goal for 2012 is to make it to my goal weight, run at least one "race" each month from March to October, and complete another half marathon with a PR. Considering my 2 mile run yesterday was quite difficult, I know that I have to kick it up a notch in order to be ready to run 5 miles in mid-March.
So I have a three month plan right now which culminates with a 5 mile event right around St. Paddy's day, and then a hope that I've lost a good bit of weight, at least back to where I was before, by the end of March. I'm taking it a week at a time. My goal for this week is to track all my points and run three times, on Monday (2 miles), Wednesday (2 miles), and Friday (2.5 miles). That is all. That should be no thang!
My 2012 race schedule looks like this:
March: St. Paddy's Five 3/11/12 (5 miles)
April: Spring Dash 4/22/12 (5 miles)
May: Bloomsday 5/6/12 (12K)
May: CDA 5K 5/27/12
June: ??? (might not complete one because of two in May and July, though)
July: See Jane Run Half Marathon 7/15/12
July: Spokane Indians 8K Pennant Run 7/?/12
August: Dwight Dash 10K 8/25/12
September: Iron Girl 10K Seattle 9/9/12
October: Spokane 10K 10/?/12
What I'd really like to find is a race buddy. We don't have to train together, although that would be nice, but we could just go to the race together, line up together, and meet up after. Otherwise, I'm looking at doing most of these events all by myself. And while that's okay, it's not ideal. But so far, it's looking like I'll be a solo racer.
And now my cat just peed in the tub. Great, something else to worry about, that he'll forget how to use a litter box!
Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.
Do you suffer from SAD? How do you get out of a slump?
I am currently 20 pounds heavier than my lowest recorded weight! Yes, you read that right! Crap!
Unfortunately, I am one of those people who is effected a lot by the winter blues and unfortunately this year it started for me much earlier. I'm trying to get out of the funk, but for some reason I'm still stuck. I tell myself to just get on the treadmill or even go out for a walk, but I can't bring myself to do it. And the more I don't run, the more pounds creep on, and the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the worse I eat, the more tired I am, the less I want to run. It's a viscious cycle, of course.
It's not just the weather, it's a few things at home too. I'm really happy that my husband is working, but I have not found the balance yet. It's been hard for me to not have him at home to take care of our child, it's hard for me to have my child attend the after school program. I also have to find time to go shopping and do laundry and anything else that needs doing. It's not that my husband isn't helping out now, he is, but more things are falling on me to take care of too. This transition has just been a lot harder than I was expecting. There's also a little bit of the worry that it will all fall apart too, that he'll get laid off or lose his job for whatever reason and then we'll be back to the worry and turmoil of not having enough money to live. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to think like that, life is meant to be lived, not worried about (PFG Jen said that the other day and I loved it), but as a chronic worrier, it's a hard thing. It just is. Our schedule is also different too. He has to be to work from 8 to 5 whereas I have more flexibility. Getting our child to and from school falls on me now and than changes my schedule quite a bit. My husband is also more tired now and wants to go to bed way early, or is falling asleep on the couch. I'm just not used to this. I'm sure as time goes by I'll adapt, but for now, it's hard.
I'm also worried about my cat and the fact that he is now worth over $2,000, but refuses to eat. It was a combination of vet bills ending with a surgery over the weekend to remove a Nerf dart tip from his small intestine (yes, you can laugh). Basically he nearly died, and while right now I'm thinking maybe I should have let him go, I know that I have to try my hardest to get him to eat so that doesn't happen. I chose to spend the money to save him and now I have to see that he remembers how to eat in order to stay alive. But it's making me stressed. You can bet I am thankful he's alive, and you can be assured I'm also glad it's just my cat and not my son who is sick, but I still worry. Worry about having spent all this money, worry about having had to skimp on other things (like birthday presents for my husband) in order to keep him alive. Was it the right thing? I guess I don't even need to ask why since what's done is done. But as I was force feeding him pureed chicken earlier this even, I was really questioning myself. And I'm praying very hard for him.
Do I have the answer? No! If you'd have told me six months ago this is where I'd be today, I'd have said you were crazy and laughed. But, here I be.
I did get on the treadmill yesterday (2 miles) and I did have a very good day of eating so I call that a win. I tracked all my points too. Today was my husband's birthday and we went out to dinner where I endulged in the macaroni and cheese at Red Robin. It was tasty! But that, combined with the pita chips I ate before we left, really dug into my weekly points allowance. Not a great day for the 2nd day on plan.
I'm not trying to have resolutions because they don't work, I'm just trying to get back on track. Long about Thanksgiving I basically decided to focus on geting my mind healthy to get through the holidays. After the new year, I would try to focus more on my physical health as well as the mental aspect. Of course it's all related. The worse I feel physically, the worse I feel mentally, and I don't work out and I eat poorly. And then I feel worse. And the self loathing begins and that never leads to good things...and wait, didn't I already go over this above?
Well, anyway, I don't have the answers and I don't think I'm in a good place to make life changes at this time, but you know what? When will I be? The more time that's passed, the worse I feel, so why not today? Each day is a new day. I had a great day yesterday and a not so great day today, but who says I can't have an even better day tomorrow? Walk the walk and maybe soon I'll talk the talk? I don't know, let's leave the cliches to the experts.
I have no resolutions, but I do have goals. My goal for 2012 is to make it to my goal weight, run at least one "race" each month from March to October, and complete another half marathon with a PR. Considering my 2 mile run yesterday was quite difficult, I know that I have to kick it up a notch in order to be ready to run 5 miles in mid-March.
So I have a three month plan right now which culminates with a 5 mile event right around St. Paddy's day, and then a hope that I've lost a good bit of weight, at least back to where I was before, by the end of March. I'm taking it a week at a time. My goal for this week is to track all my points and run three times, on Monday (2 miles), Wednesday (2 miles), and Friday (2.5 miles). That is all. That should be no thang!
My 2012 race schedule looks like this:
March: St. Paddy's Five 3/11/12 (5 miles)
April: Spring Dash 4/22/12 (5 miles)
May: Bloomsday 5/6/12 (12K)
May: CDA 5K 5/27/12
June: ??? (might not complete one because of two in May and July, though)
July: See Jane Run Half Marathon 7/15/12
July: Spokane Indians 8K Pennant Run 7/?/12
August: Dwight Dash 10K 8/25/12
September: Iron Girl 10K Seattle 9/9/12
October: Spokane 10K 10/?/12
What I'd really like to find is a race buddy. We don't have to train together, although that would be nice, but we could just go to the race together, line up together, and meet up after. Otherwise, I'm looking at doing most of these events all by myself. And while that's okay, it's not ideal. But so far, it's looking like I'll be a solo racer.
And now my cat just peed in the tub. Great, something else to worry about, that he'll forget how to use a litter box!
Here's hoping for a better tomorrow.
Do you suffer from SAD? How do you get out of a slump?
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Coeur d'Alene 5K at Riverstone - Race Recap 5/29/11 (A PR!)
All last week the forecast for the weekend was cold temps with rain. Somehow the outlook changed long about Friday and sun with milder temps was expected for our Sunday race day. It was a bit cool in the morning, but the sun was shining! Hallelujah!
Here I am with my parents before the race.
This was my very first event last year fresh off the Couch to 5K training plan when my mile pace was right around 12 minutes. My goal last year had been merely to run the entire way without stopping to walk. I reached that goal and finished in 36:27!! I went into the race this year with a plan to beat my time from last year. My unspoken goal was to finish in under 30 minutes.
I'm so proud to say that I DID IT!
Official race time: 29:34!!!
Yes, that is my fastest 5K to date!
I have to say that I felt awesome before, during and after this race. I love this course because it's paved and basically flat. It's held on the Centennial Trail which was made for biking, running, and walking activities, and is not subject to car exhaust, potholes, and the like. Since it's an out and back course, it is awesome to see the winners making their way back. Another plus is the amount of numb skulls who stop and walk without taking notice of who is behind them is minimal. All in all, I would say that this might be my favorite race, and definitely my favorite race distance.
My Garmin was very helpful on this one, and of all the running gear I think I can't live without, Forrest is number one on the list. I didn't want to make the mistake of starting too fast so I made sure to keep track of my pace in the beginning. I absolutely love having the distance, pace and time easily accessible on my wrist. I can see it becoming an obsession for some, but I use it as a tool not an obstacle.
Anyway, I keep watching the race site for race photos and they haven't been posted yet. I hope to update this post later with an official photo. The one below was taken by my husband. I notice my form does not look all that great. Oh well.
After this, my second event of the season, I'm feeling pumped, although, for some reason I go through a case of the nerves in the days leading up the event. So much so that I start feeling as though I don't even want to do it at all. Luckily I push through the nerves and make it to the starting line. I thought this one would be different because I'd done it once already, but nope, I still nearly chickened out. The feeling goes away soon after the race gets underway, but it's definitely there at the beginning. I'm already worrying about my half next month. It's next month, people!!
What about you? Do you get nervous before events? How do you deal with it?
Here I am with my parents before the race.
This was my very first event last year fresh off the Couch to 5K training plan when my mile pace was right around 12 minutes. My goal last year had been merely to run the entire way without stopping to walk. I reached that goal and finished in 36:27!! I went into the race this year with a plan to beat my time from last year. My unspoken goal was to finish in under 30 minutes.
I'm so proud to say that I DID IT!
Official race time: 29:34!!!
Yes, that is my fastest 5K to date!
I have to say that I felt awesome before, during and after this race. I love this course because it's paved and basically flat. It's held on the Centennial Trail which was made for biking, running, and walking activities, and is not subject to car exhaust, potholes, and the like. Since it's an out and back course, it is awesome to see the winners making their way back. Another plus is the amount of numb skulls who stop and walk without taking notice of who is behind them is minimal. All in all, I would say that this might be my favorite race, and definitely my favorite race distance.
My Garmin was very helpful on this one, and of all the running gear I think I can't live without, Forrest is number one on the list. I didn't want to make the mistake of starting too fast so I made sure to keep track of my pace in the beginning. I absolutely love having the distance, pace and time easily accessible on my wrist. I can see it becoming an obsession for some, but I use it as a tool not an obstacle.
Anyway, I keep watching the race site for race photos and they haven't been posted yet. I hope to update this post later with an official photo. The one below was taken by my husband. I notice my form does not look all that great. Oh well.
 |
| Heel strike, anyone? |
What about you? Do you get nervous before events? How do you deal with it?
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
On Track
Yesterday I had a terrific day on plan. I also logged training Run #1 for Week #2. That was one awesome run too. It was only 35 minutes and I felt like I could keep going and going, but I'm sticking to my plan.
Yesterday I weighed 159.8, today I weigh 156.6. See what I said about the salt?
I'm still up in the air about joining WW meetings. Given our change in finances, I really feel like I should not put out any money that's not absolutely necessary. I'm still paying for my online membership and I'm working my hardest to get back on track and stay there until goal.
Thank you for the kind words regarding my husband's employment situation. It truly is the hardest thing we've ever faced. And there is no end in sight. Unemployment is high in our state, especially in our city. While he has applied for a few jobs in western Washington, it would have to be a pretty fabulous opportunity before I would consider relocating. It would also depend on whether I could transfer to our other office or not. Basically, I have absolutely no desire to relocate, especially for a job. I would be so worried about making a huge change and then falling victim to the economy again. I can't imagine it. It's hard enough facing this while we're surrounded by family and friends. Anyway, I don't know what we're going to do. It's time to negotiate with the credit card companies, that's for sure.
I have heard of two situations lately where people I knew "weren't looking" for jobs and a great opportunity just "feel in their lap"! (These people or opportunities are not in our town.) My husband has been looking for work for 20 months and clearly doesn't have the right contacts or experience because nothing is falling on him at all. I get wrapped up in the thoughts of "it's not fair". And it isn't, but neither is life, so I just need to suck it up! It could be worse, a lot worse. I do count the blessings we have and try not to fret, but fretting is in my nature. One day at a time, 609 days later.
Yesterday I weighed 159.8, today I weigh 156.6. See what I said about the salt?
I'm still up in the air about joining WW meetings. Given our change in finances, I really feel like I should not put out any money that's not absolutely necessary. I'm still paying for my online membership and I'm working my hardest to get back on track and stay there until goal.
Thank you for the kind words regarding my husband's employment situation. It truly is the hardest thing we've ever faced. And there is no end in sight. Unemployment is high in our state, especially in our city. While he has applied for a few jobs in western Washington, it would have to be a pretty fabulous opportunity before I would consider relocating. It would also depend on whether I could transfer to our other office or not. Basically, I have absolutely no desire to relocate, especially for a job. I would be so worried about making a huge change and then falling victim to the economy again. I can't imagine it. It's hard enough facing this while we're surrounded by family and friends. Anyway, I don't know what we're going to do. It's time to negotiate with the credit card companies, that's for sure.
I have heard of two situations lately where people I knew "weren't looking" for jobs and a great opportunity just "feel in their lap"! (These people or opportunities are not in our town.) My husband has been looking for work for 20 months and clearly doesn't have the right contacts or experience because nothing is falling on him at all. I get wrapped up in the thoughts of "it's not fair". And it isn't, but neither is life, so I just need to suck it up! It could be worse, a lot worse. I do count the blessings we have and try not to fret, but fretting is in my nature. One day at a time, 609 days later.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Sunday Sobfest
There's no doubt about it, I have just had the most craptastic week on record. I ate too much, I didn't track enough, and I feel awful, just terrible. I did get in all my runs, but I didn't do any yoga. I hate saying this because it was my first week of training, but it's true. I went completely off the diet grid.
Now, I will say that my eating last week as compared to how I used to eat was fairly tame, but that's really of no comfort here. I feel terrible right now, did I mention that?
I have had an unusual craving for salty things lately. Chips, popcorn, roasted nuts. Honestly I don't know what has gotten into me. And it's kind of scaring me because everyday I get up and feel like it's a new start and I'll do better, and then by evening I've done something really stupid like eat an entire 8-serving bag of pita chips. Then I go to bed full of self loathing and hatred of my behavior. I don't like it, not one little bit.
I have been asking myself what the problem is, what's the disconnect, why am I falling into these old patterns? Unfortunately I haven't really come up with anything.
It is disheartening to know also that even though I'm still running, eating extra calories makes me gain weight. I hope a lot of it is water. If I can just get things under control, I know some of the weight will melt away. This morning the scale read 159.8. Who knows what it will be tomorrow.
I am desperate enough to be considering joining Weight Watchers and attending meetings. I am thinking a little change and extra accountability might be a good thing. Or it might just be a waste of time and money. I have been doing this on my own for months. I want to succeed on my own. I just need to get it together.
My husband still has not found employment and this week is our last week of unemployment payments. There is some state money possibly, but nothing is for sure and the timeframe is not guaranteed. In other words, we are now officially a one income family and we have some difficult choices to make. This is stressing me out. I am perhaps eating my way through the stress.
Now, I will say that my eating last week as compared to how I used to eat was fairly tame, but that's really of no comfort here. I feel terrible right now, did I mention that?
I have had an unusual craving for salty things lately. Chips, popcorn, roasted nuts. Honestly I don't know what has gotten into me. And it's kind of scaring me because everyday I get up and feel like it's a new start and I'll do better, and then by evening I've done something really stupid like eat an entire 8-serving bag of pita chips. Then I go to bed full of self loathing and hatred of my behavior. I don't like it, not one little bit.
I have been asking myself what the problem is, what's the disconnect, why am I falling into these old patterns? Unfortunately I haven't really come up with anything.
It is disheartening to know also that even though I'm still running, eating extra calories makes me gain weight. I hope a lot of it is water. If I can just get things under control, I know some of the weight will melt away. This morning the scale read 159.8. Who knows what it will be tomorrow.
I am desperate enough to be considering joining Weight Watchers and attending meetings. I am thinking a little change and extra accountability might be a good thing. Or it might just be a waste of time and money. I have been doing this on my own for months. I want to succeed on my own. I just need to get it together.
My husband still has not found employment and this week is our last week of unemployment payments. There is some state money possibly, but nothing is for sure and the timeframe is not guaranteed. In other words, we are now officially a one income family and we have some difficult choices to make. This is stressing me out. I am perhaps eating my way through the stress.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
I hope I look back and laugh.
Yesterday and lately have been difficult days in mommyland. Since I am a worrier, it's hard for me not to worry about every little thing. Someday I hope I can look back at these days and laugh (and I hope to God it's not because I'm experiencing something way worse) because right now I feel completely lost. I keep telling myself the only thing I can do is the best I can, but secretly I'm wishing this kid came with a damn manual! Luckily I have the support of my husband who is the level headed one, and he will help me get through all this in one piece.
All the stress did lead me to the treadmill last night so score one for the mommy. This was my first run with Forrest and my foot pod on the treadmill. My cadence was the same as an outdoor run, but the speed was more than a whole minute faster which made the distance way off. I didn't think I'd need to calibrate it since I used it first on an outdoor run, but perhaps I need to after all. I'm too type A to let it go, but I wish I could just rock the 9:28 average pace and pretend it's real. No can do.
Several bloggers I know are going for a 100 day chip. It all started on Twitter I think, but basically it's 100 days of doing your stuff right, at least that's what I'm taking it to mean. I've decided to do my own little 100 day challenge, in fact I consider this day 4 of my challenge. Who knows, I could reach my goal weight within these 100 days. The world is my oyster in 100 days and I'm off to a great start. And if I slip up, I'll start over the next day. In my book "doing things right" means eating on plan and exercising at least 4 times a week. I still want to get up to 5-6, but 4 is minimum. So if by the end of a week (Sunday for me) I haven't exercised at least four times...FAIL. If I go over my weekly points allotment...FAIL. This will mean I have to start over. 100 days to 100 pounds? Hmmm, time will tell.
100 days = March 21-June29 (must think of catchy title for this challenge)
*****
Make sure you enter my Chobani giveaway!
All the stress did lead me to the treadmill last night so score one for the mommy. This was my first run with Forrest and my foot pod on the treadmill. My cadence was the same as an outdoor run, but the speed was more than a whole minute faster which made the distance way off. I didn't think I'd need to calibrate it since I used it first on an outdoor run, but perhaps I need to after all. I'm too type A to let it go, but I wish I could just rock the 9:28 average pace and pretend it's real. No can do.
Several bloggers I know are going for a 100 day chip. It all started on Twitter I think, but basically it's 100 days of doing your stuff right, at least that's what I'm taking it to mean. I've decided to do my own little 100 day challenge, in fact I consider this day 4 of my challenge. Who knows, I could reach my goal weight within these 100 days. The world is my oyster in 100 days and I'm off to a great start. And if I slip up, I'll start over the next day. In my book "doing things right" means eating on plan and exercising at least 4 times a week. I still want to get up to 5-6, but 4 is minimum. So if by the end of a week (Sunday for me) I haven't exercised at least four times...FAIL. If I go over my weekly points allotment...FAIL. This will mean I have to start over. 100 days to 100 pounds? Hmmm, time will tell.
100 days = March 21-June29 (must think of catchy title for this challenge)
*****
Make sure you enter my Chobani giveaway!
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Honest Scrap Blog Award
Jessica over at See How She Runs passed on the Honest Scrap Blog Award to me. Thank you.
I now must share 10 honest things about myself and then pass this award onto 4 other bloggers who have shown their honesty through their blogs. (Note: I have taken a very long time to post about this as it was given to me on Nov. 18.)
1. I have three tattoos, one of which is on my left arm almost up to my shoulder. I would get this tattoo removed if I had the money. It's not that I don't like it, I actually still like the actual picture (it's a yin and yang with dolphins), it's just that having a tattoo on my arm is really not me. I never go sleeveless except in a bathing suit (not often!) so no one ever gets to see the thing anyway. Oh well, I was young once. I like tattoos for the most part, when they are small and coverable.
2. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I currently work as an accountant in a law firm. I have been in my job, or a variation of it, for 11 years. I have worked in finance or some capacity of it for 16 years. I enjoy it and I am completely loyal to my employer. But, if I knew what I really wanted to do, and felt like spending the time and money finishing my BA degree (I have an AA), I would go for it. Life is too short to not pursue your passions, if you know what they actually are. Luckily, I'm happy enough in my job that if I have it until retirement, I'll be okay with it.
3. I love reading. I love getting caught up in a great book. I actually feel bad for people who don't know the joy of reading and I am considering volunteering with an adult literacy program when my son gets older and I have more time. I would also love to help children with reading. I believe sharing my passion for reading with others would be an awesome way to "pay it forward".
4. I am afraid of going crazy. Crazy people don't know they're crazy, right? I am prone to depression and anxiety and I worry sometimes that I'll not snap out of it, that no amount of medication, therapy or exercise will help me. How do people get so lost in it that they're driven to harm themselves or others?
5. I secretly wish I was a writer, but I have no skill. I pretend to know how to form complete sentences on this blog.
6. I have an irrational fear of spiders. I have had dreams about them. I don't like seeing them or thinking about them. And as much as I hate them, I can't kill them. What if they touched me, or I heard them crunch? Ick ick ick! One time, when I was about 16 and visiting my mom in Seattle, a spider the size of a mouse came crawling into the room. I stood on the chair for an hour until my mom got home to kill it for me.
7. I have an unhealthy addiction to all things Starbucks. I love the drinks, the cups, the mugs, the bears, the logo, everything. I have a bear collection, a city mug collection, and many, many of their other regular mugs. If I told you how much money we spent this year at Starbucks, despite my husband being unemployed, you'd freak. I'm freaking!
8. I am not sure if I believe in God yet or not. I am exploring the possibilities and taking a spiritual journey. I am enjoying what I am learning so far, but I have a lot of childhood baggage to get through.
9. I worry that my son will hate me for only having one child and that he'll grow up lonely. My husband and I made a choice to have one child for various reasons, some of which I'll probably talk about on this blog someday. I feel like I have enough with one child, but I still worry that I've made the wrong choice.
10. I have watched Legends of the Fall hundreds of times and I still wish for a different ending every time!
I am passing this blog award onto the following four people:
Ellen at Fat Girl Wearing Thin (she has a really cute blog theme going on right now so go check it out!)
Stephanie at She's in There Somewhere
Katie at Finding the Thin Within
Lucy at Lucy's Journey
I now must share 10 honest things about myself and then pass this award onto 4 other bloggers who have shown their honesty through their blogs. (Note: I have taken a very long time to post about this as it was given to me on Nov. 18.)
1. I have three tattoos, one of which is on my left arm almost up to my shoulder. I would get this tattoo removed if I had the money. It's not that I don't like it, I actually still like the actual picture (it's a yin and yang with dolphins), it's just that having a tattoo on my arm is really not me. I never go sleeveless except in a bathing suit (not often!) so no one ever gets to see the thing anyway. Oh well, I was young once. I like tattoos for the most part, when they are small and coverable.
2. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I currently work as an accountant in a law firm. I have been in my job, or a variation of it, for 11 years. I have worked in finance or some capacity of it for 16 years. I enjoy it and I am completely loyal to my employer. But, if I knew what I really wanted to do, and felt like spending the time and money finishing my BA degree (I have an AA), I would go for it. Life is too short to not pursue your passions, if you know what they actually are. Luckily, I'm happy enough in my job that if I have it until retirement, I'll be okay with it.
3. I love reading. I love getting caught up in a great book. I actually feel bad for people who don't know the joy of reading and I am considering volunteering with an adult literacy program when my son gets older and I have more time. I would also love to help children with reading. I believe sharing my passion for reading with others would be an awesome way to "pay it forward".
4. I am afraid of going crazy. Crazy people don't know they're crazy, right? I am prone to depression and anxiety and I worry sometimes that I'll not snap out of it, that no amount of medication, therapy or exercise will help me. How do people get so lost in it that they're driven to harm themselves or others?
5. I secretly wish I was a writer, but I have no skill. I pretend to know how to form complete sentences on this blog.
6. I have an irrational fear of spiders. I have had dreams about them. I don't like seeing them or thinking about them. And as much as I hate them, I can't kill them. What if they touched me, or I heard them crunch? Ick ick ick! One time, when I was about 16 and visiting my mom in Seattle, a spider the size of a mouse came crawling into the room. I stood on the chair for an hour until my mom got home to kill it for me.
7. I have an unhealthy addiction to all things Starbucks. I love the drinks, the cups, the mugs, the bears, the logo, everything. I have a bear collection, a city mug collection, and many, many of their other regular mugs. If I told you how much money we spent this year at Starbucks, despite my husband being unemployed, you'd freak. I'm freaking!
8. I am not sure if I believe in God yet or not. I am exploring the possibilities and taking a spiritual journey. I am enjoying what I am learning so far, but I have a lot of childhood baggage to get through.
9. I worry that my son will hate me for only having one child and that he'll grow up lonely. My husband and I made a choice to have one child for various reasons, some of which I'll probably talk about on this blog someday. I feel like I have enough with one child, but I still worry that I've made the wrong choice.
10. I have watched Legends of the Fall hundreds of times and I still wish for a different ending every time!
I am passing this blog award onto the following four people:
Ellen at Fat Girl Wearing Thin (she has a really cute blog theme going on right now so go check it out!)
Stephanie at She's in There Somewhere
Katie at Finding the Thin Within
Lucy at Lucy's Journey
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