The Biggest Loser Redux

Tomorrow starts another Biggest Loser contest at my office.  It was a contest just like that which kicked off my weight loss journey.  I'm really hoping this one gets me back on track.

It shouldn't matter.

I have been having a really hard time accepting where I am now as my new reality.  I have gained over 30 pounds since last summer and that is a tough pill to swallow.  It's discouraging and depressing (not in the clinical way), and downright embarrassing.  Yes, I'm embarassed.  It's difficult to face people these days.  Do they pity me or think I'm lazy?  Is anyone disappointed in me? 

But it shouldn't matter, right?  What matters is getting back on track and not worrying about what other people think.  But at the heart of it, I'm disappointed in me and that is the worst part.  And how do I get past it?  All the negative feelings I have for myself are really dragging me down.

When I first started this "journey", I was participating in a Biggest Loser contest at work.  There was money involved.  Was that the reason I was able to stay motivated?  Is that what drove me?

I have expended so much energy lately trying to figure why I cannot seem to stick with anything these days.  Nothing.  Not an eating plan, not an exercise plan, not a menu plan for my family, not even a simple plan to grocery shop every weekend.  It's like the desire to do anything isn't there. 

So I'm starting to think I'm still in the bad place.  Don't get me wrong, I feel way better than I did a few months ago, but I also don't feel excited or happy about much of anything.  That is a super sad way to feel, isn't it?

I have to participate in a 5K race this weekend (Sunday).  I have run this race for the past two years; my parents do it too.  In 2010, it was the first event I participated in after completing the Couch to 5K.  My goal was to finish with a 12 min/mile or less pace, and to run the entire way.  In 2011, I had come along way and set my goal at a sub 30.  I achieved both of those goals.  (Yay me!)

This year, my only goal is to have the guts to show up and participate.  Getting to that starting line is my goal.  I'm trying not to feel sad about where I am this year compared to years past.  I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter if my time this year is slower than my time in 2010.  I'm trying to accept the fact that I'll be walking A LOT.  Because it shouldn't matter.

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."
-John Bingham

2010

2011

Well, so much for that.

My plan to post daily in May...well that hasn't turned out.  Turns out I don't have much to say on a daily basis right now.

I am so glad I didn't do Bloomsday on Sunday!  Yesterday I went for a run and it was down right hard!  During the run, the most pain was in my lungs.  I was breathing heavy!  Today, the pain is in my quads.  Ouch!  I covered the 3 mile distance, but I didn't run the whole way.  But I got out there, outside! 

I also had a great day on program, too.  Someone asked how it was going with not counting Points or calories.  Unfortunately, not very well since I've gained weight.  So yesterday I counted Points and I stayed within my daily allowance.

I'm also trying out a new breakfast--hard boiled eggs.  I have been eating an English Muffin with peanut butter for so many weeks in row it's not even funny.  While I still love that breakfast, I thought switching things up might help start my day in a different way.  I'm also trying to limit the carbs a bit since I have been consuming so many of them lately.  Mostly in the form of simple, fattening sugar, but also whole grain breads in enormous quantities.  My belly fat tells the tale.

Anyway, I'm off to a good week.  Are you?

Star Wars Day

I have never heard before that May 4th is Star Wars day. But today I heard it so many times, and it was all over Facebook.

May the fourth be with you!

For some reason it cracks me up.

Um, stuff.

Wow, I'm three days in and already having a hard time coming up with topics.

I have pretty much decided not to do Bloomsday this weekend. I feel like a chump, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. No one will probably judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

My new show is One Tree Hill. This show seems a little more down to earth than Gossip Girl, but it's also much older so the dated looks seem, well, dated. I like it though.

Two and a half weeks ago I had a roofer give me an estimate on a roof repair. They've yet to show up to actually do the job. Seriously! It's annoying. It might be time to offer to give someone else my money.

Anyone jumped on the Fifty Shades of Grey bandwagon? I admit it, I read the series and really liked it. Book 2 was by far the best! That genre is not my usual cuppa, but there is just something about that Christian Grey...

Well, I worked at home today and that was really nice.

I am posting from my iPad and I can't figure out how to underline text or use spellcheck so I apologize for any errors.

That is all.

What am I using food for?

I had an appointment with my therapist today and we talked about how I can't seem to stop eating too much. When I want a candy bar, I don't just buy one, I buy three, for example. She asked me to keep a journal over the next couple of weeks to try and pinpoint the feelings surrounding my urges to binge. I don't think it's that easy. I have tried to figure out the feelings for years.

I will let you know if I discover anything.

A Post a Day in May

Yes, that's what I'm going to strive for, one post everyday.  By the end of the month, I should have a solid direction for this blog, whatever that may be.  Today's post will be a hodgepodge of things.

Yesterday was a good day on the eating and exercise fronts and that makes me very happy.  I am proud of myself!!

This Sunday is Bloomsday, that little 12K run I have on my schedule.  Man, I don't want to do it.  I don't, I really, really don't.  But I might still be doing it, I don't know.

Unfortunately, it's probably time for me to buy some new clothes, some larger ones.  Ugh!  I have putting it off, hiding myself in bulky sweatshirts and jeans, but since the weather is getting warmer, I think I'll have to bite the bullet and buy a few things.  It makes me sad and I feel disgusted with myself. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a jeweler.  My husband and I will be celebrating our 16th anniversary this year and we are looking at some new wedding rings.  A few years ago we talked about doing something special for our 15th anniversary, but since he was out of work last year, it definitely wasn't in the budget!  We have some jewelry to trade so we are hoping to not spend much actual money, but it will be fun to see our options! 

I watched all four available seasons of Gossip Girl on Netflix.  Okay, that show is terrible, but seriously addicting!  It is so far out of touch with reality, well the reality I know anyway, yet I couldn't turn away.  I can't wait until the current season is out there for me to watch! 

Tonight is the finale of The Biggest Loser.  Can I just say that this has been the worst season of this show, the absolute worst!  The contestants are awful and such whiners!  I can't believe the two most annoying females are in the final 3! I'm not a huge reality TV watcher, but I've always been drawn to this show because of the amazing transformations.  This season has been filled with whining and backstabbing and bitching and quitting!  Ugh, I can't wait for this season to be over.  As for the show itself, it's getting a little out of control with the product marketing.  How many commercials within the show to we need for Jennie-O turkey, Subway, Britta, etc.? 

Well, that is all for today.  Talk to you tomorrow.

Have you been watching The Biggest Loser?  What do you think of this season?

Weird Morning

Last night I went to bed with a plan of waking up early and getting on the treadmill.  There's nothing really unusual with that, except that I actually set my alarm to do it.

Long about 3:50 a.m., my body decided to be done sleeping.  But I was not getting up!  I read in bed for the next hour, all the while discussing the forthcoming workout with myself.  It started with thinking I would not do it because I woke up too early and felt too tired.  Then I started thinking about the whole running thing anyway and how maybe I don't even like it.  Maybe I should become a walker.  Maybe I should take up something else like Zumba!  And if I did get up, what would I do?  Would I try to run for a certain number of minutes, a certain distance?  Could I actually make myself get on the treadmill or should I go outside? And so on it went.

Finally about 5:10, I made up my mind: I was going to get up, bundle up, and take a walk outside.  It's a place to start and the fresh air would be good.  Unfortunately, when I was about half dressed, I realized I could hear the rain it was pouring so hard!  Um, there once was a day that wouldn't have stopped me, but today wasn't one of those days.  I whipped off my pants prepared to crawl back into bed.  BUT instead, on the way, I grabbed the shorts I planned to wear on the treadmill this morning and got dressed.  I prepared to take on the dreadmill.

Ta da!  Go me!

I went back to the basics.  I completed Week One, Day One of the Couch to 5K program.  It wasn't difficult, it got my heart pumping, and raised my confidence a bit.  I can still move! The whole workout lasted only a half an hour and I didn't sweat much, but it felt really good.

I have my menu planned out today and hope the kickstart of the morning workout will help keep me focused and "on plan."  As for my 4 day challenge of last week, I only made it three days.  :(  BUT I start this week weighing less than last and all forward motion counts!

The only trouble is that it's now only 8:35, I've barely been at work any time at all and I'm SOOOO tired!  I should be able to get to bed early tonight, though.

At this moment, I sort of have a workout plan for the week, but I sort of don't feel committed to anything either.  Day by day is the best plan.

As for this blog, I forced myself to write today.  I'm just not feeling it.  Perhaps I'm done with this whole thing, I don't know. 

I am ready to be done dieting!!

Yes, I said it.  I know, I know, it's not a diet, it's a life style change.  But come on, it is a diet.  Whether I'm counting Points, or calories, or servings, or whatever, it's feels like a diet and a diet feels restrictive!  And I swear, if it's restricted, I WANT it!  Of course I can eat whatever I want IF I count it, but everyone knows that eating Cheez Its or some other wonderful snack food isn't the best use of calories/Points/servings/whatever.

So for the time being I'm going to quit counting.  I know HOW to eat, I know WHAT to eat, and I know HOW MUCH to eat.  Some people think the key to weight loss is tracking your food.  This has been hammered into my head for years by Weight Watchers.  But sometimes I think tracking makes things harder, puts more focus on what you're eating (or not eating) and just all around makes your life revolve around food.  I posted about this while back when I was getting to know Paul McKenna so this is not a novel or new concept for me.  I tried awhile back to toss the food journal, but then I changed my mind and decided that Weight Watchers was the only way I could lose weight.  Sometimes I think WW is a crutch for me.  But what if it wasn't?  What if I could do this on my own just by eating less?  What if I never tracked another thing except my hunger level?  Because lately I'm so sick of counting!  I don't know.  My thoughts on this subject change from day to day, even from morning to night.  It's a cycle of desperation and self doubt is what it is.

...

This week I am focusing on staying on program for four days.  "On program" means not eating chocolate candy bars, not having sugary-fatty drinks from Starbucks, and no salty-bad-for-you snacks like Cheez Its.  If I can stick to this for four days, then on Thursday night I'm going to see The Lucky One as a reward.  Four days.  That might sound like hardly any time at all, but I nearly caved last night.  I actually went to the pantry, grabbed the box of Cheez Its and settled back on the couch (while watching The Biggest Loser, of course).  I opened the box slowly, contemplating the whole time about whether I really wanted to eat those things, and in the end I closed the box and put it away without having any.  VICTORY!  It's small, but I made it through.  So two of the four days done.

What happens after the four days?  Well, more days, of course.  At least I hope so. 

No running and then a 12K?

I am still here, still wanting to blog daily, but not actually doing it.  I am continuing to work on healing my mind.  I feel so much better than I did a couple of weeks ago, but there's still much progress to be made.

I cannot ignore the fact that I have a race coming up on May 6.  It's a 12K and I am not sure what to do.  I would just plan to skip it, except that I actually signed up as part of a team to participate, a team that includes my coworkers.  That was back in February.  I didn't feel well in February, but I was hoping that having the event scheduled would get me out the door for a run.  It didn't work as I've hardly run in 2012 at all.  Now I am faced with whether to bail on the team or just suck it up and do it.  Last year I ran this race and even then I was excited about the next year's race.  Now that the event is looming I know a PR is out of the question, running the entire distance is out of the question, and possibly even getting to the starting line is out of the question.  I just don't think I can do it.

My confidence level is completely in the dumper, and I feel like if I do this race it will only hurt my efforts to regain it.

Of course, on the flip side, I could do this race and surprise myself.  If only I could foresee the future...

A Shift in the Darkness

Hellooooooo, anyone out there?

I am still here and still alive.  What's more is that I am finally feeling like I can move forward. 

I feel like I have lost time.  I have been struggling for months and months, living in the bad place, shrouded in darkness.  I have been trying to get help by visiting my doctor (who I now think is a quack) pretty regularly since last fall.  In all this time I have been freaking out, feeling terrible about the here and now, about the future, and pretty much everything in general.  Getting out of bed in the morning has been a chore. 

I had completely relapsed into clinical depression with a heaping helping of anxiety to go along with it.  I was very scared.  If you've not experienced it, you are very lucky.  If you do not understand it, I get that.  I have it and I don't understand it.  If you don't believe in it, well, you can just get the f--- out!  It's real.  It's not a choice, it's not something you can just turn off, you don't just "snap out of it!"  It is debilitating, and it is a medical condition.       

So...after what feels like forever, I am happy to report that the darkness has shifted and I can finally see some light.  I still have work to do and I still don't feel like myself completely, but for the first time in months, I think I might be headed towards remission.

In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out how not to blame the quack doctor for the damage he's done.  Well, I can blame him, I just don't want to get too fixated on it.  He could have helped me months ago, but instead I've been suffering and falling deeper into the darkness.  Finally, I made a choice to switch providers and all she had to do was give me a new prescription.  We haven't even tried counseling of any kind as she said it would be pointless in my current state.  She wanted to stabilize my mood at least, or better yet, lift it.  And it's like a miracle.  Just under 3 weeks later, I feel some relief.  I can only assume that as time goes by, it will only get better, especially now that I have someone looking out for me. 

As I said, I feel like I've lost time, precious time in my health journey.  I've been trying to cope with the issues while feeling miserable.  In the past, coping has meant eating.  I thought all that was behind me, but clearly it was just on the shelf.  Because as soon as the depression started, I started eating.  While the aftermath of binging is never good, the time spent doing it does offer relief.  So I kept doing it.  And now I have to learn again how to stop this habit.  Medication only helps so much and as time goes by, I'll have to recover on many levels and learn to stop using food for comfort.

I also have lots of work to do in the running department.  While I have logged a few runs here and there, my confidence is gone.  I feel as though I am starting over, not just physically, but also mentally.  Running is awesome for the mind, but getting out there and getting it done...well, baby steps...  I am considering the Couch to 5K program again, maybe an accelerated version.  It's too soon to figure that out, though.

I am trying not to beat myself up and recognize some things have been beyond my control.  I no more think I could have avoided a relapse than I think I can walk on the moon.  It won't help anything to berate myself on a daily basis for the slide back into old habits.  I can only go forward.  I have posted before about moving forward and getting back on track, but as I look back, I know it was impossible that I could have gotten back on track.  I did have some good days, some "on plan" days, but it was too easy to give up.  When everything feels hopeless, healthy eating and exercise feels unreachable and even useless.

So the point of this post is to get a few things out there, let you know where I've been, and let you know where I hope I am going.  I also want to tell anyone who may be suffering from depression and anxiety to get help immediately.  And if you are getting help, but aren't being helped, find someone else to help you.  There is no need to suffer; you're only losing time.

Talk soon.

Down, but not out.

This post is indeed from 3/1/12.  I did not publish it because I wanted there to be a true change before I posted all my troubles.  Stay tuned for an update (4/2/12)...

If you've read my About Me page or followed me for awhile, you know that I struggle with anxiety and depression.  Well...greetings from the bad place, where we gain weight and quit running!  :-(

I've been working at getting my head on straight, unfortunately I'm struggling.  I have gained weight, I haven't run hardly at all, and I certainly haven't done any other activity.  I make a lot of plans and then I don't follow through.  All that just adds to the other things I'm dealing with and needless to say it's certainly not helping.  My mind needs the exercise yet I cannot seem to make my body get up and do it.  But you know what, THIS is my happy place, not an extension of the bad place!  I came here to drop a line and let you know where I'm at, but I don't plan to stick around and whine.  I don't want this blog tainted by all that.  Plus, it's a personal struggle that I don't feel like making public on this blog.  Maybe when I feel well again I will go into more detail.

For now, you can count me down, but not out.

On that note, tonight I went to Weight Watchers.  I actually went about a month ago and had a really good week right after that, but then it all went to crap again.  Tonight I weighed in at 185.8.  Yes, that is over 30 pounds higher than my lowest weight last year.  That is 40 pounds from my goal of 145.  Will this be the day where I start making strides?  I hope so.  I feel really good about it, but only time will tell.

Also this weekend, I did finally get in some exercise.  Friday I ran 3.1 on the treadmill, Saturday I walked for 35 minutes, and Sunday I ran 3.1 outside for the first time since November 8!  It was hard and I almost quit, but I did it!

All forward motion counts.

Motivation and Determination

Katie, over at Runs for Cookies (here) had a great post the other day called "The Difference Between Motivation and Determination" (here).  It is awesome and you should check it out.  I agree with her views 100%.

I do enjoy creating little motivators for myself, but I know that determination is what will get me to my goals.  I thought I would share a couple things which do serve as motivators for me.

Inspiration board

Race bibs and a 10K medal

My half marathon display

My treadmill is in our basement and unfortunately I'll be running there for awhile yet since we just got a huge amount of snow.  The Mill faces the corner and the walls are red. 

B-O-R-I-N-G

I have an upcoming project and that is to decorate those walls.  I bought two magnetic white boards just like my inspiration board above and I'm going to hang one on each wall, and then fill each with motivating and inspiring items like pictures and quotes.  I'm really looking forward to having something more fun to stare at!!  I'll share some photos when I am done.

Do you have a treadmill?  Do you put motivators near by?

Yikes!!! and a DIY

Yikes!  I've updated my weight tracker here on the site through December and it's not pretty.  Skeered!

I wanted to share a little DIY medal display.  It is so simple and perfect for those of us without many medals, actually 1 medal.

I ordered a race photo from my half marathon last July (cha-ching!) and I wanted to display it.  Then I had this puny little medal (seriously, those race medals are not that cool) that I wanted to put somewhere also.  I came up with this.

 Luckily there's a nice blank spot on the corner of the photo and the medal seems to be just the right size for that spot. I looped the medal ribbon around the easel of the frame and wah-lah, perfect display for my home office.

How do you display your precious race medal/photo?

Disconnecting and a New Training Plan

Do you ever feel like you're too connected?  Too much electronics?  I have felt like that a lot lately (says the girl who's selling, selling, selling on eBay in order to buy an iPad). 

I have my iPhone connected to my employer's network.  Part of that is because I am out of the office on Fridays and I work at home a fair amount.  I want to be able to read and respond to email quickly.  But is it necessary?  My employer does not require this of me, I just decided since I've got the phone, might as well do it.  Well, over the weekend I disconnected my email and it was fabulous!!  I think I will at least disconnect on Weekends and maybe at a certain time each night.  You'll probably say just stop reading it.  That would be smart if I could do it, but I can't.  If I see the notification, then I simply must read it.  I'm weird like that.

I also tend to let email interrupt me at work.  I can be working away and then an email comes in and I let it pull me away from what I was doing into whatever someone might need.  I pride myself on being a quick responder, but sometimes I wonder if other aspects of my work suffer.  It might be better to work for a solid hour on a project and then read and respond to email.  I wonder if having set times for reading email might be more efficient.

Multitasking.  This is something I always see on resumes as a strength or skill.  But is it really possibly to multitask.  I watched a time management seminar by Randy Pausch (here) who put that into perspective.  You really cannot do more than one thing well at a time.  You're actually doing multiple things badly.  I do think it is a skill to be able to deal with interruptions efficiently while not letting it derail your efforts on other tasks, but to simultaneously do multiple things at once, I don't believe it's possible.  Except maybe listen to music while working, but do you really hear the music?

I am one of those people who never sits and does one thing when I am at home.  If I'm watching TV, I'm also reading my Kindle or working on my computer.  Sometimes I'm not focusing on the TV at all, but it's on in the background, I'm reading my Kindle, and playing several games of Words with Friends (UN: LoriV518).  I believe this "multitasking" is not helping me relax at all. Why I have been unable to veg out with a book or movie lately is unknown, but I plan to make a change.  My brain needs to slow down and take five, even if it's only for thirty minutes.  It's not necessarily disconnecting, but it's slowing down to breathe a little, and slow the brain from switching gears every five seconds.  I look forward to trying this.

This week I plan to start the Run 10K program I have on my iPhone.  I'm actually going to start on week five where the run/walk intervals are even.  Each day this week looks like this (I'm not sure how that works out to 68 minutes because there will be a 5 minute walk at the end too, but we'll see):

I am looking forward to following this program--I'll be doing weeks 5-13 over the next 9 weeks.  I think it's going to help get me back into running regularly by having a set program to follow.  It's very similar to the Couch to 5K program concept.  And intervals are nice for weight loss. :-)

Do you need to disconnect?  Do you think there is such a thing at efficient "multitasking"?  Are you connected to your employer's network via your cell phone?

Wanted: trade used running shoes for a new blog design?

Anyone interested in a trade?  I have a pair of Adidas Supernova Sequence 3 Running shoes that I would like to trade with somone who can make me a new blog design.  I was going to sell the shoes on eBay, but this trade would benefit me more.  These shoes have around 100 miles on them and are size 8.5.  Anyone, anyone?  Contact me!

Do you love Lara Bars? Here's a giveaway!

Stephanie Anne over at Running to Health is hosting a Lara Bar giveaway!  Enter here!  Yummy!

Wordless Wednesday

Don't Mind Me

So I accidentally published a post tonight that I didn't mean to.  Back when I was doing my Welcome 2012 post I started writing and it turned into a major downer.  I should have deleted it, but I saved it with the same title, except I added "The Shitty Version at the end.  Hah!  Now I've published it accidentally.  Whoops!  Well, oh well.  I have deleted it from the blog, but I guess it's still in the  Readers so whatev.  I live with it.  Some of you can get a glimpse of the real downer me from that day.

Let's get this year started!! Goals 2012

From Thanksgiving until mid-January, there is a hustle and bustle about our house.  First the holidays, then birthdays.  And then I'm done until November.  My son's birthday was yesterday (he's hit the double digits now) and that marks the official end to our hustle season!  Now I feel like I can relax more and think about me.  I hope that brings about good things for both weight loss and running for me!

I've been putting some goals together for 2012.  These are things I'd like to accomplish in 2012, not resolutions.

First, the non-health related goals.

1. Finish our Disney scrapbook for our 2008 trip!  I have the pictures organized, I have all the supplies, I just need to take time to put it together.

2. Crochet an aghan.  I used to be an avid crocheter and then once everyone and their dog had a blanket from me, I kind of gave it up.  But I actually really love crocheting and would like to get back into it.  It's a great thing to do in front of the TV, that's for sure.  I already have yarn I bought a couple years ago, I just need to pick a pattern and get busy!

3. Sell stuff on eBay that is just sitting around.  This is already underway.  In the last two weeks I've made $442.16 by selling stuff on eBay.  Everything from DVDs to a Coach purse.  I have just a few more active listings and a few more things to list and then I'll be good for another couple years.  It's fun but I get kind of burnt out on it.

4. Buy an iPad.  This goes along with #3 and is what I plan to do with all the money I've made.  I still have some Christmas money, too.  I'm super excited!  I do plan to wait until after the next release/upgrade to purchase.  Sometimes I wish new electronics didn't come out so quickly!

5. We have two bathrooms that need paint!!  I would also like new towels and decor for each.  The third bathroom needs new tile, grout or both.  I want to ge these projects done!

6. Consistently save money.  This is a joint effort by both my husband and myself.  We are finally getting back on our feet a little bit and it feels good.  The next step is to put money back into savings and not accrue any additional debt!  This includes saving separately for Christmas which is a huge expense for us because we love it so much!  I want to start pre-planning for it instead of recovering after the fact.  Save. Save.  Save.  Of all my non-health goals, this is my biggest one!

Now for the ones we're really here about: the health goals!

1. Reach my goal weight.  This is the big one and seems so tough right now!

2. Once I get to my goal weight, I want to submit my story to Weight Watchers.  I have always wanted to be a featured success story.  I know I have gone back and forth about my continued relationship with WW, but I am going to stick with them, either by going to meetings or simply as an online member.  I don't have control whether they pick my story, but I do have control over reaching my goal weight and submitting my story.

3. Consistently cross train.  Ultimately, I want to be a runner, but I don't want to just run.  Cross training to me means any other intentional exercise that isn't running.  It may mean bike riding, elliptical, DVDs or simply walking on the treadmill. This activity isn't replacing running, however, it's in addition to running.

4. Run 600 miles this year. I was under 600 both last year and 2010.  2011 was actually lowest given my crash and burn during the last two months.  I have also had a slow start this January, but I can always make up the mileage.   I'm resolved to get better!  A monthly average of 50 miles should be doable, however, even while adding other activity.   

5. Run a sub 2:30 half marathon.  Yes, I plan to do another half this year, the same See Jane Run event as last year.  I also plan to go out with a goal of 2:30 again.  I hope this is my year.

Well, I'm a little late to the 2012 goal party, but here's to all of us reaching our goals!

What's your top goal this year, non-health related?