It shouldn't matter.

I have been having a really hard time accepting where I am now as my new reality.  I have gained over 30 pounds since last summer and that is a tough pill to swallow.  It's discouraging and depressing (not in the clinical way), and downright embarrassing.  Yes, I'm embarassed.  It's difficult to face people these days.  Do they pity me or think I'm lazy?  Is anyone disappointed in me? 

But it shouldn't matter, right?  What matters is getting back on track and not worrying about what other people think.  But at the heart of it, I'm disappointed in me and that is the worst part.  And how do I get past it?  All the negative feelings I have for myself are really dragging me down.

When I first started this "journey", I was participating in a Biggest Loser contest at work.  There was money involved.  Was that the reason I was able to stay motivated?  Is that what drove me?

I have expended so much energy lately trying to figure why I cannot seem to stick with anything these days.  Nothing.  Not an eating plan, not an exercise plan, not a menu plan for my family, not even a simple plan to grocery shop every weekend.  It's like the desire to do anything isn't there. 

So I'm starting to think I'm still in the bad place.  Don't get me wrong, I feel way better than I did a few months ago, but I also don't feel excited or happy about much of anything.  That is a super sad way to feel, isn't it?

I have to participate in a 5K race this weekend (Sunday).  I have run this race for the past two years; my parents do it too.  In 2010, it was the first event I participated in after completing the Couch to 5K.  My goal was to finish with a 12 min/mile or less pace, and to run the entire way.  In 2011, I had come along way and set my goal at a sub 30.  I achieved both of those goals.  (Yay me!)

This year, my only goal is to have the guts to show up and participate.  Getting to that starting line is my goal.  I'm trying not to feel sad about where I am this year compared to years past.  I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter if my time this year is slower than my time in 2010.  I'm trying to accept the fact that I'll be walking A LOT.  Because it shouldn't matter.

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."
-John Bingham

2010

2011