Where is this blog going?

I think this blog may have run its course and I am having one of those "where do I go from here?" moments with it.  I don't feel like I'm ready to go, exactly, but I definitely feel like I haven't had much to contribute to this awesome community lately.

I continue to gain weight.  It was lose, gain, lose, gain, lose, but now I'm just on a gain, gain cycle.  At least for the past couple of weeks anyway.

I should probably recap August.  My goals were to lose 10 pounds and run 70 miles.  I actually did pretty well.  I lost 4 pounds and I ran 67.45 miles, and I honestly feel like that was a success.

But as of today, 9/15, I am 7 pounds heavier than I was on 8/31.  I'm truly not obsessed with the number, but I have the weight history at my fingertips thanks to my handy iPhone.  I don't sit and stare at the numbers all the time, or anything.  But just know that these days I am thinking of the numbers constantly.  CONSTANTLY.  On my way to the fridge and back, especially.

Tomorrow I'm doing something I thought I would never do again in this life time.  I'm going to a Weight Watchers meeting.  A real, live meeting with the old bitties themselves.  I actually bought the WW monthly pass as they are running a special where instead of the regular $39.95 monthly fee, you can pay $43.25 for two months.  Two months is what I'm going to give it.  I already pay $16.95 a month for the online membership so this isn't too much more, and it will give me the opportunity to connect with others in real life.  I'm trying to have a positive attitude about that and hope for the best.

In related news, I rejoined the YMCA last week.  That is a really good thing and I'm excited about it.  I'm excited to try some different classes and use some of the different cardio machines besides the treadmill.  I like the elliptical a lot so far.  I'm happy to report that I've even been going before work!

I'm taking these steps to freshen things up and make some changes.  I need to do something to get back the fire and motivation that I had before.  I'm not sure what that will mean for my blog.  I'm not ready to say good bye because I'm not done yet.  But right now, I'm the last weight loss blogger you want to hear from.

If I was a Smurf, I'd be Fickle Smurf.

Remember this post, about how I was saying good-bye to Weight Watchers?  Yeah, that was just last Thursday.  And today, Tuesday, I reactivated my account.  Apparently I'm not ready to sever our relationship.  I'm not sure why.  I feel like it would be so much easier just to count calories, yet I feel like I want to succeed with WW.  I started this journey with WW and it seems like I should finish it with WW. 

As of today I am just over 10 pounds above the lowest weight I've seen on this journey.  And that freaks me out!  I mean, it scares the daylights out of me.  How how how can I have gained 10 pounds when my workouts have been consistent?  Answer: eating too much!  Obviously, right?!  Well, why can't I get it together and knock it off?!  Honestly, I don't know what isn't clicking in the food department these days.

Each day I wake up with a new resolve.  I think about how I will plan my meals and stick to plan.  But inevitably something comes along and I'm derailed.  Sometimes it's a lunch out with coworkers, not too big a deal, but  usually it's something more detrimental, like a big dish of froyo (with toppings) after my Points are already gone for the day, or a bunch of chips, or possibly some popcorn followed up with a few (yes, a few) granola bars.  These choices are costing me and I simply cannot do it anymore.  If I regain the weight I've lost I will surely go crazy.  I cannot go back to that place.

So as fickle is as fickle does, I'm thinking about recanting this decision too.  I really think I want a gym membership again, and I really think I want to go to the gym for some group fitness classes; however, my husband still isn't working and we are facing the end of the unemployment very soon.  If we reach that point, unfortunately we will have to file for bankruptcy.  Remember this?  Yeah, we've been paying the bills, but when the bills exceed the income what else can you do?  Anyway, I'm not sure a gym membership can fit into the new single income budget.  Although an investment into health can be a wonderful thing, right?  And if I went regularly, the cost could be justified.  But I would have to go in the morning, and how many times can I say I am not a morning person?  But I do prefer working out in the mornings and there are some awesome classes available in the morning.  So what do I do?  Luckily I can join without a contract, but I still have to pay the "joiner fee" which is $50, a fee I already paid once only to cancel the membership 7 months later.  $50 can buy a lot of froyo...oh wait, I'm supposed to be cutting that out.

Well, anyway, like sands through the hour glass, these are the decisions of my fickle life.