It shouldn't matter.

I have been having a really hard time accepting where I am now as my new reality.  I have gained over 30 pounds since last summer and that is a tough pill to swallow.  It's discouraging and depressing (not in the clinical way), and downright embarrassing.  Yes, I'm embarassed.  It's difficult to face people these days.  Do they pity me or think I'm lazy?  Is anyone disappointed in me? 

But it shouldn't matter, right?  What matters is getting back on track and not worrying about what other people think.  But at the heart of it, I'm disappointed in me and that is the worst part.  And how do I get past it?  All the negative feelings I have for myself are really dragging me down.

When I first started this "journey", I was participating in a Biggest Loser contest at work.  There was money involved.  Was that the reason I was able to stay motivated?  Is that what drove me?

I have expended so much energy lately trying to figure why I cannot seem to stick with anything these days.  Nothing.  Not an eating plan, not an exercise plan, not a menu plan for my family, not even a simple plan to grocery shop every weekend.  It's like the desire to do anything isn't there. 

So I'm starting to think I'm still in the bad place.  Don't get me wrong, I feel way better than I did a few months ago, but I also don't feel excited or happy about much of anything.  That is a super sad way to feel, isn't it?

I have to participate in a 5K race this weekend (Sunday).  I have run this race for the past two years; my parents do it too.  In 2010, it was the first event I participated in after completing the Couch to 5K.  My goal was to finish with a 12 min/mile or less pace, and to run the entire way.  In 2011, I had come along way and set my goal at a sub 30.  I achieved both of those goals.  (Yay me!)

This year, my only goal is to have the guts to show up and participate.  Getting to that starting line is my goal.  I'm trying not to feel sad about where I am this year compared to years past.  I'm trying to tell myself that it doesn't matter if my time this year is slower than my time in 2010.  I'm trying to accept the fact that I'll be walking A LOT.  Because it shouldn't matter.

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start."
-John Bingham

2010

2011

Well, so much for that.

My plan to post daily in May...well that hasn't turned out.  Turns out I don't have much to say on a daily basis right now.

I am so glad I didn't do Bloomsday on Sunday!  Yesterday I went for a run and it was down right hard!  During the run, the most pain was in my lungs.  I was breathing heavy!  Today, the pain is in my quads.  Ouch!  I covered the 3 mile distance, but I didn't run the whole way.  But I got out there, outside! 

I also had a great day on program, too.  Someone asked how it was going with not counting Points or calories.  Unfortunately, not very well since I've gained weight.  So yesterday I counted Points and I stayed within my daily allowance.

I'm also trying out a new breakfast--hard boiled eggs.  I have been eating an English Muffin with peanut butter for so many weeks in row it's not even funny.  While I still love that breakfast, I thought switching things up might help start my day in a different way.  I'm also trying to limit the carbs a bit since I have been consuming so many of them lately.  Mostly in the form of simple, fattening sugar, but also whole grain breads in enormous quantities.  My belly fat tells the tale.

Anyway, I'm off to a good week.  Are you?

Star Wars Day

I have never heard before that May 4th is Star Wars day. But today I heard it so many times, and it was all over Facebook.

May the fourth be with you!

For some reason it cracks me up.

Um, stuff.

Wow, I'm three days in and already having a hard time coming up with topics.

I have pretty much decided not to do Bloomsday this weekend. I feel like a chump, but that's just the way it goes sometimes. No one will probably judge me as harshly as I judge myself.

My new show is One Tree Hill. This show seems a little more down to earth than Gossip Girl, but it's also much older so the dated looks seem, well, dated. I like it though.

Two and a half weeks ago I had a roofer give me an estimate on a roof repair. They've yet to show up to actually do the job. Seriously! It's annoying. It might be time to offer to give someone else my money.

Anyone jumped on the Fifty Shades of Grey bandwagon? I admit it, I read the series and really liked it. Book 2 was by far the best! That genre is not my usual cuppa, but there is just something about that Christian Grey...

Well, I worked at home today and that was really nice.

I am posting from my iPad and I can't figure out how to underline text or use spellcheck so I apologize for any errors.

That is all.

What am I using food for?

I had an appointment with my therapist today and we talked about how I can't seem to stop eating too much. When I want a candy bar, I don't just buy one, I buy three, for example. She asked me to keep a journal over the next couple of weeks to try and pinpoint the feelings surrounding my urges to binge. I don't think it's that easy. I have tried to figure out the feelings for years.

I will let you know if I discover anything.

A Post a Day in May

Yes, that's what I'm going to strive for, one post everyday.  By the end of the month, I should have a solid direction for this blog, whatever that may be.  Today's post will be a hodgepodge of things.

Yesterday was a good day on the eating and exercise fronts and that makes me very happy.  I am proud of myself!!

This Sunday is Bloomsday, that little 12K run I have on my schedule.  Man, I don't want to do it.  I don't, I really, really don't.  But I might still be doing it, I don't know.

Unfortunately, it's probably time for me to buy some new clothes, some larger ones.  Ugh!  I have putting it off, hiding myself in bulky sweatshirts and jeans, but since the weather is getting warmer, I think I'll have to bite the bullet and buy a few things.  It makes me sad and I feel disgusted with myself. 

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a jeweler.  My husband and I will be celebrating our 16th anniversary this year and we are looking at some new wedding rings.  A few years ago we talked about doing something special for our 15th anniversary, but since he was out of work last year, it definitely wasn't in the budget!  We have some jewelry to trade so we are hoping to not spend much actual money, but it will be fun to see our options! 

I watched all four available seasons of Gossip Girl on Netflix.  Okay, that show is terrible, but seriously addicting!  It is so far out of touch with reality, well the reality I know anyway, yet I couldn't turn away.  I can't wait until the current season is out there for me to watch! 

Tonight is the finale of The Biggest Loser.  Can I just say that this has been the worst season of this show, the absolute worst!  The contestants are awful and such whiners!  I can't believe the two most annoying females are in the final 3! I'm not a huge reality TV watcher, but I've always been drawn to this show because of the amazing transformations.  This season has been filled with whining and backstabbing and bitching and quitting!  Ugh, I can't wait for this season to be over.  As for the show itself, it's getting a little out of control with the product marketing.  How many commercials within the show to we need for Jennie-O turkey, Subway, Britta, etc.? 

Well, that is all for today.  Talk to you tomorrow.

Have you been watching The Biggest Loser?  What do you think of this season?